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Saturday, April 30, 2005


Well, I've found a new apartment and can move in mid-May, which still leaves me paying double rent for a bit and having to find movers, but whatever. It is a great place, with really great wood floors and I get the whole urban yard! And the street isn't permit-only so hopefully parking won't be a problem. Of course, with putting all this money down on the place and getting movers and not knowing when/if I'll actually get everything owed to me by the ex, I have no clue when I'll be able to afford to get my car fixed. Nothing like driving on the edge to keep you alert!

And so far so good with keeping Passover, though I didn't go out last night since I knew I'd drink forbidden things and instead had a huge fight with the ex and passed out early. Tomorrow night I'm going off to the Oregon Diner since they seem to be the only pace with breakfast all day and a liquor license, here's to breaking fast with pancakes and beer! Plus, there was a mob hit there at the counter in the 60s and it has that certain South Philly ambiance. I am so craving yeasty things already and tomorrow night is so far away.

Science Crush hasn't called (or emailed) though I did run into him yesterday. With prelims and finals, I guess he is way stressed out and though I totally remember how awful that phase was...screw that! Call me, asshole! I want to make out! I'm thinking this is going to be one of those nasty all-consuming crushes that never goes anywhere, and I really hate that. I need to meet someone to get my mind off him. Though perhaps I shouldn't start anything until I at least move out of the house with my ex? Three weeks of singledom and I'm already fed up. I suck at this.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Daddy's Girl

So last night I had dinner and post-dinner additional wine with my father. Of course my tongue loosens when I've been drinking and so does his. We're an awful lot alike, something he admitted to last night. And I got lots of wine to take back to Philly, a shirt, and some money towards getting my car fixed. And filet mignon.

And a whole bunch of unsolicited life advice. Like how he doesn't think I should take the job in NY even if I do get it, since I'm a "top of the pyramid" sort of person and would always regret only having my master's and not finishing the actual PhD. I think he's right, too but I'm still going through with the process. Apparently I should do theater - structure but creativity and no science. Huh.

And when I mentioned to him that I didn't think he'd ever get married again, he corrected me. Hardcore. In fact, he might be married (or engaged at least) by the end of the year to some nurse. And I was floored. I've never met this woman and he's thinking about marrying her? Fuck, he hardly even mentions her existence to me I just figured he was dating another damn nurse, not that he was serious at all. How could he even think about spending the rest of his life with someone I've never even set eyes on? We're still working on our relationship after those years of not speaking (wonder if his nurse knows about that?) and our time together is a bit weird still, now some woman is going to enter the picture? This is not a good idea. Plus, I have absolutely zero wedding prospects and I'm not sure I ever will, so I'm a bit depressed that he might be going in for round two. And mom is really thinking about selling the house and moving.

I know my parents don't owe me anything and that they really do give me a lot, and my mom and I have a very uniquely close relationship. I feel like a petulant child but I feel so lost right now in my own life I don't want the only somewhat constant thing that I've had to change too.

And it snowed Sunday night. Yay, Western NY!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I Still Suck at Science

So yesterday was the annual retreat, which meant a whole day in the burbs, free (but bad) food, and the annual skipping of the afternoon talks to see what shopping is like on the Main Line. And us badass grad students got to take the extra beer too, so we extended the evening.

But today, my bad science luck continued. I was running between the lab and the surgery room upstairs, which could have been part of the problem. However, I will blame the rats. Bad rats! I was perfusing and helping the advisor do surgery and none of the bastards would go under without lots of extra ketamine. Are we getting little rat ravers or something? Speaking of, watching a rat on k is funny - so much wobbling! Then one of my rats was a squirter, nasty rat blood in little tiny droplets all over the hood. Ugh. I really hate the animal part of neuroscience sometimes.

Going home tomorrow, still no resolution of science crush stuff. Still crushing, though. And still living with the ex. As soon as I get back from home, I'm going to see what is up and try to get my own place. No fun at all.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I Really Suck at Science

So I almost got toxic chemicals all over the lab today. Whoops. As it turns out, you shouldn't make formaldehyde in a plastic container, since it has to be heated on a hot plate. Yeah. "Hey, why isn't the stir bar stirring anymore? Oh, because it has formed into the melted plastic on the hot plate! Hey, let's hope that when I pry this bottle off the hot plate, the formaldehyde doesn't spill all over the place since the bottom has melted off the bottle!"

Um, yeah. For the record, formaldehyde is very not good for you. What with it cross-linking your proteins and all.

In related news, the lovely folks at Nature have emailed me back, apparently I've been "shortlisted" for that previously mentioned copyediting job. !!!!!! I have to take some sort of editing test, email it back to them, and if they like what I've done, I get an interview. I am scared to death. If I bomb the test, I'll feel like a dumbass. But despite all my crazy loathing of my grad school existence, do I really want to leave for NYC? Where I don't really know anyone (save a certain very nebbishy boy who keeps calling/emailing me)? Yeah my current living situation is way fucked up, but that is sort of fixable. Plus, I'm sort of exhilarated by having a crush and I've been noticing all sorts of tall skinny boys everywhere and I like the possibility of a shiny new life and all. So, who knows. I didn't even think I'd get a shot, so who knows? So many possible lives, so little time.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Stupid Liver...

I need to remember that I have no self-control when it comes to drinking. Whoops.

Despite the lack of makeout, it was a good weekend. Though I did miss Meet the Press. Probably not a loss, they're probably still talking about the pope. Except that between drinking Friday and Saturday (until the am Saturday) and stupid fucking ex having a cold, I feel like shit on toast. I got the cold (I bet it was on purpose) and my muscles ache, a combo of alcohol, lack of sleep, dancing, and sleeping on the futon. And why should I have to sleep on the futon anyway? I'm the girl, I should get the bed.

As far as boys go, there are just so many of them out there. Perhaps I should (gasp) be single for a bit? Considering that my entire post-pubescent life has consisted of constant relationships - save part of my senior year in college - it might be good for me to not try and get someone new right away. Except that I like boys way too much for that to work.

I'm so glad I get to go home and forget this shit. Sometimes the cultural vacuum that is Western New York can be a nice break.

Friday, April 15, 2005


So we've officially broken up. I was trying to postpone the whole mess until after Passover and stuff, but he overheard (eavesdropped?) when I was on the phone with my mom the other night. But as it happens, he was thinking that it wasn't quite working out too, he just never bothered to say anything. It was the most mature conversation we've had in our entire relationship. I guess that says something about our total lack of communication, eh?

Of course, we're still living together. It is a bit weird. We're being very nice and polite right now, but I'm afraid that will fall apart. I'm glad we have a futon, though, I can't imagine staying in the same bed for the next three months. Hopefully we can get out sooner than when the lease ends but if not, at least we can move the futon into the study or something.

I know this is what I've wanted for awhile. But for some reason, I'm still upset. It doesn't help that I'm facing down my 25th birthday. My mom got married when she was 25, and while we all know how well that worked out, I think it is going to be really hard to be single. And why can't I make a relationship last longer than three years? This is the third one that's died at about the three year mark. Maybe nobody can tolerate me for any longer than that.

Anyway, at least I'm going out dancing tomorrow. I emailed Science Crush to invite him (can you say nonconfrontational?) but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm so antsy. I feel like I'm in seventh grade - I just want to send a note: "Do you like me? Circle yes/no." This is the other reason breaking up sucks: I hate being single and I really suck at it. I've never been good at all the coyness you seem to need to date people. Ugh.

Here's to drunken scientists dancing and hopefully a good makeout.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Boy Gevalt!

Well, Friday was one weird day.

First off, at the free lunch part of the undergrad symposium I ran into my science semi-crush. And Gerald brought his infant, and science crush was all over that. It was weird, I don't think I've ever seen a boy - let alone one my age - get that girly over a baby. It was almost endearing. (crushcrushcrush) Then Science Crush invited me to hang out that night. When we got back to lab, the lab tech and the future lab tech told me that he likes me, which apparently they can tell just by observing our interactions. So I got all hyperanalytical.

Then, off to Happy Hour with one possible FJH...total bust. The phrase "I LOVE classic rock!" was involved. Um, yeah.

So, totally tipsy, I went off for my date with actual FJH. And for the record, the tequila and the Indian buffet were doing okay together. But the FJH? Can you say nebbish? Not tall enough, sort of old (he's 35 and looks it), and wearing pleated pants. With a tucked-in shirt. I don't think so. He was very nice, and I think he might like me, but...just so not someone that will ever get to see me naked. Hey, at least there was free Indian Buffet in it for me.

So then I couldn't get ahold of the labmates and lab neighbors that had gone off to continue the debauchery in Center City while I was at dinner, so I went over to Science Crush's. He has the smallest studio ever in the history of the universe, but it was really well-decorated. Anyway, there were other science types, and some friends of his brothers that totally reminded me of why I left my stupid fucking hick town. Just total weirdness, and for most of the time I was the only girl.

And Science Crush and I didn't really even get to talk. More to the point, there was no making out. And he hasn't called.

I've just never tried to go out with someone I was already sort of friends with. I have no idea how it works.

On the actual BF front, I checked the lease, it isn't up until July 31 and we don't have to give notice until June. I've realized that I don't care what I have to do, I just want out of this relationship. I don't care if I have to get a roommate (and take the small room) or live in a studio or eve, God forbid, move back to West Philly. I just can't do this anymore. I'm just worried since the end of July is so far away and I couldn't get a roommate until the lease is up. I'm sad, too. I really like the BF I just can't be his girlfriend anymore. I don't have a good reason, it just isn't working. And I don't know what to do to make it better, and I don't even think I want to try.

So, so many boys, so little time, yet so much drama.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I have managed to get no lab stuff done this week, which I will blame on teaching even though it is at least partially due to my preference for doing anything other than optimizing a staining protocol. My class had their third exam this morning, so there was a lot of talking to and emailing students consumed with minutiae totally not on the exam. Plus, I had to be an exam beta-tester, so I actually had to take it as it I were a student (I got an A but not 100, for the record). And lead the review session last night in a very stifling room. There were people in attendance that may have been the most anal people I have ever met - and I'm a scientist. People that I would probably strangle were they in my section. I'm not good with patience.

I may be meeting two Future Jewish Husbands tomorrow. I'm a little annoyed about the timing of Main Future Jewish Husband's visit, as there is to be much drinking at happy hour since one of the neighboring lab's techs is moving. But FJH wants to go to dinner at 8, and he is really enthused about Indian (okay, so that part I like). However, tequila and Indian Buffet are just not a good mix. So either I'll be embarrassingly drunk and have some nasty war going on in my stomach, or I'll be pissy at dinner due to the missing of the continuing mayhem. I have no life the vast majority of the time, so why does everything interesting have to be on the same night?

Still living uneasily with the actual bf. This is not a conversation I want to have, ever. I really hope I can just move to NYC and avoid the whole mess. I am a very very bad girlfriend.