I've Got My Life of Complication Here to Sort Out

Things are nuts. I am nuts.

I mentioned that I'd started seeing someone, someone I like. I like like him. We went out again Friday and all was well. Happy yay fun dating super-cute time. Not remotely serious but still early. Let's face it, I don't usually like people. I find that people I want to sleep with and people I want to talk to are usually two distinct populations and I'm thrilled with my luck that I've met someone who fits into both categories and who I don't hate yet.

Then Saturday afternoon when I got back from NewBoy's house there was a text from the JC about some drama in his lab. I love lab gossip, so I called and got the story. All is still well at this point. Until he calls me back and says he wants to talk to me. In person. And because he's the JC I freak out, but I agree to meet him because we're still friends or something and to be honest I still ahve feelings for him. Feelings that were stronger before I met NewBoy but still big feelings.

Guess who has missed me since August? Who made a mistake? Who wants me back, not just to date but as a girlfriend? Who knows what was wrong before and wants to work on it and said everything I've been wanting to hear from him since the day he last left my apartment? Who seems really really earnest about this? Who said if I was seeing someone else and happy he'd understand but that he had to tell me?

At one point I actually banged my head on the table. Why couldn't he have said these things three weeks ago?

This is the JC. This is the only boy ever in my life I've dated and actually thought we could have a real future, as partners or even (eek) married. BUT this is the boy who hurt me like no other boy has ever hurt me, who crushed me, who made me feel horrible and like I would never, ever be whole again. Finally saying everything I've wanted him to say. Now.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I like NewBoy but I certainly don't love him and I'm not sure I can see a future with him, what with his not "getting" Judaism said in a way that made me cringe but that may be understandable as he's a rather bitter lapsed Catholic. But I like him and he's shiny and new and nice to me and he's certainly cooler than the JC and I think we have a shot at something. But the JC is the JC and I'd regret it if I didn't at least give him a chance. But I'd really regret it if he hurt me again, particularly if I stopped seeing NewBoy. Who I like.

I'm not deciding yet. I need time. Time in which I'm not going to stop seeing NewBoy but may start seeing the JC again on a very probationary basis. In public places. I just hope that time will actually help me figure this out and not make me even more confused.

And I haven't been sleeping right since the accident. It's clouding my mind. The insomnia plus this mess is not good for my always-tenuous stability. I cried in Student Health this morning - they raised the price of my birth control from $8 to $35 without so much as a warning or a phone call when I called it in. I can't afford that. But I can't switch and there's no generic and I finally, finally found a method that doesn't exacerbate my headaches and make me nuts and that I don't have to take at the same time every day and that I really, really love and I can't mess with switching methods again, not now, not with the craziness. So I cried but I gave the cashier $35. I'm not sure what I'll do next month. It isn't covered by insurance at all. Of course.

I wish I could sleep.