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Friday, September 29, 2006

ExFest 06

So in one week I managed to see three exes. And I did it without excessive drinking or antidepressants!

First off, I saw the CFEx when I was in Chicago. You may remember that after I saw him in Pittsburgh in June, I realized I was finally totally cured of about five years of residual feelings for him. So seeing him in Chicago was going to be an interesting test: did I just feel over him in June because I was with the JC, or was I really truly done forever? Happily enough, despite not being with the JC anymore I can say that I'm cured of the notion that the CFEx and I will ever have anything more than a friendship ever. Which is good, because we make good friends and we're both too crazy to work well together as a couple. Anyway, I am also happy to report that he had no bad facial hair though he is converting to hipster-ness. Even sans beard. And he is apparently planning to sleep his way through the female hipster population of Chicago, so watch out if you're in that city. I guess that's just what happens to MFA students, right?

I also saw Original Matt (guess I can't even refer to him as ExMatt anymore!) and I went to Korean barbecue. I'd never been and it was like my food fantasy had come to life: they give you a big plate of raw meat and there is an open flame in the middle of the table. Except they gave us squid and shrimp too, and I don't eat sea bugs. But Original Matt has a massive appetite (his Indian buffet prowess is legendary) so he just ate all that. It was weird to actually technically cook our own dinner, but I think that handing me a giant platter of raw meat is probably the fastest way to make me happy after handing me a giant bottle of Stoli and some cashmere yarn. Original Matt is doing okay and you will be happy to know that he did not have a dorky haircut.

And I saw the JC. This did not go so well. He wanted to meet up to talk to me because I was furious with him (he basically ignored me on the street - though he insists he didn't see me, he was with his father at the time so I don't know whether I believe him) and he wanted to clear things up. Basically, he is still confused and doesn't know what he wants. However, I had a deadline (six weeks from when we first broke up) and it has passed and I said so. I gave him the opportunity to really, finally end things and he refused. I said that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't know if he wanted to be with me and that I thought that not knowing was really knowing but he didn't agree. He asked if that was it, I'd never have him back no matter what and while I sort of wanted to say yes I didn't because that would have made things too easy and enabled him to just stop thinking about it and put all the responsibility on me, which I refuse to allow him to do.

I was not in good shape for a few days, but now I actually feel good. I feel fresh and clean and new somehow. I think I'd been clinging a little to hard to the hope that he'd come back and that it was awful when I basically lost that hope. I'm having to re-frame my thinking to exclude him, but it is working. I'm even forgetting what I liked about him. So far I have:
-never ever gave me beard burn
-smells really, really good. Better than any other boy I have ever met.
But those don't really seem like much to base a relationship on.

Now I just have to do a crazy amount of work before I leave for the big annual neuroscience convention in two weeks. I really don't want to go at all, except that I'll get to see Rachel. So science, boo; drinking with Rachel, yay!



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