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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Dying Alone, Take 37

So the JC broke up with me yesterday. He never wanted to be written about, and I respected that while we were together (half the reason I've been updating so infrequently). I figure now, all bets are off.

Things had been okay except for my usual complaints - we didn't spend enough time together and he didn't integrate me into his life - until he started having an angsty existential crisis, prompted by a visit home to Toronto for his brother's engagement party. Now, I get existential crises, I've basically been in the midst of one since I was thirteen. I know how to deal with them and that if you don't, they get worse and then you can't get out without a good counselor. But the JC didn't listen because apparently he made it this far without ever having an existential crisis. Freak.

When you're in crisis, especially one that blooms into full-on depression, you can't push people away because you're going to need them. Yet he just got more and more distant. And even though I was understanding and supportive because I've been through angst and depression and such (and he admits as much) he just kept pushing. Until yesterday, when he decided he was so upset with his life he couldn't see me anymore. Not that he was upset with me, mind you - he actually said that I was one of the only good things in his life - but that he was miserable about everything else and the misery was just seeping into everything. Allegedly he saw that he was hurting me and he didn't want to keep doing so, which is a massive steaming load of shit. If you know you're hurting someone, you stop the behavior that is hurting them. If you don't actually want to hurt someone, you sure as fuck don't decide to leave them because that isn't really how you make someone feel better, now is it? After an hour and a half of dithering and saying he knew he was making a mistake and he was going to regret it and he didn't actually want to walk out the door because he knew he'd miss me, he left. Which begs the question: if you know you're making a mistake as you make it, why keep going?

It doesn't feel real. I keep thinking he's going to call. I'm sure he will at some point - they've all tried to come back, plus he has two of my books that I'm not willing to part with forever - and part of me wants to continue to be understanding. But part of me really, really wants to hurt him. I'm so angry that he tried to make me feel bad for him even though this was his idea and I'm angry that I almost fell for it. I don't know when/if he'll call, but the longer it is the angrier and less understanding/willing to try again I'll be.

The thing is, I loved him. Really. I thought we actually had some sort of future together. Even living with ExMatt I never thought of him as life-partner type material, and not just because he isn't Jewish. I know it is stupid to love someone, to think you have a future with someone, after only eight months together. But that didn't stop me from feeling it. And now I feel so lost. I feel like someone has taken sandpaper to my soul. I can't breathe and I can't stop crying. I'm not just mourning the loss of a boyfriend and a relationship, I'm mourning the loss of the future I wanted us to have. I can't even see myself dating someone else, and my usual breakup response is to find a new crush, a new makeout as soon as possible. But I'm so exhausted, I don't want to do that again. I just want him to not have done this to me.

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2 Comments:

Blogger rcchristyjr said...

You don't know me but I stumbled across your blog while I was doing a little research to try to find out why people blog. I just wanted to say that I'm really impressed that you are willing share such intimate details about your hopes and emotions. Anyway, just keep breathing and the sun will keep coming up. Take care.

9:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh man, i know how this feels.

my boyfriend of a year and i got in a blowup fight yesterday and now i'm wondering if things will be okay once we get to the end of our timeout period.

like you, i saw myself with him forever, and he did too. i know he did. he brought up our future, and the things we were going to do and the life we were going to have. and now he's pushing me away over something that's not my fault, and i'm totally heartbroken.

and i tell myself that if we don't stay together, i can just go out and find a new boy, or maybe go out with one of the ones that i never got the chance to date because circumstances were never right, things like that.

and i also tell myself that if we do break up, as good as things have been with him, it didn't work out for a reason, and i am totally capable of finding someone that is everything i'm looking for.

but then i remember that i ALREADY HAVE everything that i'm looking for, and that i don't want to go on dates with anyone else.

i don't want another boy to kiss me, to touch me, to be in my bed, to wake up next to me in the morning. hell, i don't even want other boys to LOOK at me the way he does, because it won't be him.

ugh.

8:45 PM  

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