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Thursday, May 18, 2006

My Middle Name is Actually "Irony", not "Faith"

This story is especially meant for Jessy, especially in light of this list. Which if she was being honest would also include "owns a coffeepot." And "doesn't wear sandals" but we've already discussed that one.

So. I am not exactly a morning person. It is basically impossible for me to get anywhere before ten, which was really bad news for all those nasty early science classes my life has been full of. To that end, I am a coffee drinker. Every morning for the last decade or so I've started my day with two cups of coffee for breakfast. I've rationalized that the coffee IS breakfast, really, because I've put cream and sugar in and thus added nutrients. No, I don't consume have any actual food in the mornings. Did I not mention the cream and sugar?

However, the previously mentioned JC didn't have a coffeepot. This isn't one of those good signs for the future of any relationship I'm in. Though in his defense he did go out every morning and bring me coffee. And the NY Times. But still, I'm a big fan of being able to get coffee without having to put on shoes. Or underwear. So two weeks ago in one of those only-half-joking semi-fights I am the master of, I brought up his lack of coffeepot. And a few other things. To which he replied: "Fine, I'll go online RIGHT NOW and get a goddamned coffeepot!" Which he did. And a grinder. We won't discuss the panicked phone call I got about half an hour later about the significance of getting a coffeepot and how I reassuringly said "if you're not okay with this, you can still cancel the order!" but he bravely soldiered on and even bought coffee beans. Mmm, spite coffee!

During the last two weeks, I've also had nasty painful stomacheaches every day. Just pain, no nausea or icky GI symptoms. So I finally went to the doctor and apparently doctors do not like hearing that their patients have spent the last decade consuming nothing but two cups of coffee each morning. Something about "eating away at your stomach" I guess.

Do we see where this is going?

Yeah. The same day this lovely beautiful shiny Cuisinart coffeepot arrives at said JC's apartment, the doctor tells me that I have "gastritis" and need to quit coffee and take weird purple pills and hopefully that will stop me from getting an ulcer.

I think I'm going to cry. I cannot live an uncaffeinated life! I've cut down to one cup and started eating breakfast but my stomach still hurts. Though I think really, the meds are making it hurt more because surely my beloved hot bitter dark brown friend would never, ever hurt me.

It is a really sexy coffeepot, kids.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Sir Oolius said...

apparently doctors do not like hearing that their patients have spent the last decade consuming nothing but two cups of coffee each morning.

I usually tell 'em I have three for the last two decades...they're just fine with that.

Yikes, life without coffee! Almost as bad as having to move to a red state!

6:36 PM  
Blogger PoBaL said...

Oh no!
It's like a little death when a friend has to give up the sweet, sweet coffee.

And, in my defense, the coffee pot wasn't on my list b/c I'd liek to at least pay lip service to the idea that I can make out with a boy without spending the night at his place.
Plus, I have quite the swanky coffeepot of my own.
--Jessy

5:10 PM  
Blogger The Retropolitan said...

Hello?

*knocks*

Hellloooooo?

2:59 PM  

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