Sixteen Again
First off, guess who hasn't called yet? Yeah, nothing like brooding to make a girl really regret something.
I've been thinking about high school. I blame him. And I've felt sort of like a teenager again lately - all boy-crazy but confused, weirdly oscillatory moods, listening to the Cure. I don't really think I've changed that much since high school. Misha's cousin Carrie always used to say the reason their family liked me so much then (age 14-16) was because I was bitter and sarcastic, which meshed well with that clan. I'm still bitter and sarcastic, maybe even more so. I'm still the smart girl, the weird sort of crazy smart girl at that.
The thing is, I don't think I had one of those awful soul-scarring high school experiences that so many people seem to have had. I had friends, a boyfriend, some side boyfriends, and I was never really targeted for the sort of torture and ridicule that others were subjected to. I wasn't one of the super-popular girls, either. Yeah, I have some good stories of various people being mean to me or whatever, but they demonstrate how much many of my peers sucked more than anything about me - like the infamous Lesbian Drinking Fountain Incident. I'd bet that people said horrible things about me behind my back, but I wasn't aware of too much of it.
I was at a graduation party on University where all of us were drinking and Liz had just gotten back from Thailand and later we'd make out and look up to find many of the boys we'd just graduated with peering at us from inside the house, overwhelmed. And I asked Matt Ball, who I'd known as a kid but only "rediscovered" that year since we had a crazy psych class together in 3-1-3, to honestly tell me what my reputation had been. He was in more of the jockish caste so I figured he knew. Without hesitation, he said, "druggie nymphomaniac, but smart." I'm guessing that was the consensus. Since I did indeed have a lot of sex and I took a lot of drugs (though less than I did in college) and most people I hung out with were older and I dated college boys from age 15 on and I just never really played the stupid high school popularity games.
But I also hung out with people who were total nerds. I mean, those were the kids in my classes and in Quiz Club and all. And they were fantastic and just as warped and twisted as everyone else - I mean, duty sheep! And gross misadventures of Mr. Polchetti! Despite my unofficial extracurriculars, I was still the girl that got straight A's. Except I took advantage of my academic position to get away with stuff like cutting class and having sex in the darkroom and trying to get Student Council to let same-sex couples get a couple's ticket to the winter ball. What were they going to do to me? I was great on paper, all A's and volunteering, and me leaving that school would have dropped their average test scores. Plus, FHS never admitted to having any problems. I recall three pregnant girls from my year who just...vanished.
I'm wondering if who I remember being in high school is who I really was. And whether my present is more colored by what I think of as my high school era or how it really was. I feel like I was really out of place in my high school, but that was my own choosing. And not out of place like ostracized, more just separate from most of the little everyday dramas. By my senior year, I was taking more classes at the college than I was at the high school and a lot of my life had adjusted accordingly. Plus, Misha left and Liz was overseas and Jason's family moved to Florida and everything was just different. My parents were finally splitting up and I was partying and dating a 27-year-old for a bit and staying out until 4am and working at the college bookstore. So I was even more separate from the FHS scene that I'd ever been, which is why I think I have such different recollections of how things were there.
There are a lot of people I wonder about. And a few that I'd like to find. But I probably won't look, because I'm always figuring that someone will find me if they want to. Which they won't.
I've been thinking about high school. I blame him. And I've felt sort of like a teenager again lately - all boy-crazy but confused, weirdly oscillatory moods, listening to the Cure. I don't really think I've changed that much since high school. Misha's cousin Carrie always used to say the reason their family liked me so much then (age 14-16) was because I was bitter and sarcastic, which meshed well with that clan. I'm still bitter and sarcastic, maybe even more so. I'm still the smart girl, the weird sort of crazy smart girl at that.
The thing is, I don't think I had one of those awful soul-scarring high school experiences that so many people seem to have had. I had friends, a boyfriend, some side boyfriends, and I was never really targeted for the sort of torture and ridicule that others were subjected to. I wasn't one of the super-popular girls, either. Yeah, I have some good stories of various people being mean to me or whatever, but they demonstrate how much many of my peers sucked more than anything about me - like the infamous Lesbian Drinking Fountain Incident. I'd bet that people said horrible things about me behind my back, but I wasn't aware of too much of it.
I was at a graduation party on University where all of us were drinking and Liz had just gotten back from Thailand and later we'd make out and look up to find many of the boys we'd just graduated with peering at us from inside the house, overwhelmed. And I asked Matt Ball, who I'd known as a kid but only "rediscovered" that year since we had a crazy psych class together in 3-1-3, to honestly tell me what my reputation had been. He was in more of the jockish caste so I figured he knew. Without hesitation, he said, "druggie nymphomaniac, but smart." I'm guessing that was the consensus. Since I did indeed have a lot of sex and I took a lot of drugs (though less than I did in college) and most people I hung out with were older and I dated college boys from age 15 on and I just never really played the stupid high school popularity games.
But I also hung out with people who were total nerds. I mean, those were the kids in my classes and in Quiz Club and all. And they were fantastic and just as warped and twisted as everyone else - I mean, duty sheep! And gross misadventures of Mr. Polchetti! Despite my unofficial extracurriculars, I was still the girl that got straight A's. Except I took advantage of my academic position to get away with stuff like cutting class and having sex in the darkroom and trying to get Student Council to let same-sex couples get a couple's ticket to the winter ball. What were they going to do to me? I was great on paper, all A's and volunteering, and me leaving that school would have dropped their average test scores. Plus, FHS never admitted to having any problems. I recall three pregnant girls from my year who just...vanished.
I'm wondering if who I remember being in high school is who I really was. And whether my present is more colored by what I think of as my high school era or how it really was. I feel like I was really out of place in my high school, but that was my own choosing. And not out of place like ostracized, more just separate from most of the little everyday dramas. By my senior year, I was taking more classes at the college than I was at the high school and a lot of my life had adjusted accordingly. Plus, Misha left and Liz was overseas and Jason's family moved to Florida and everything was just different. My parents were finally splitting up and I was partying and dating a 27-year-old for a bit and staying out until 4am and working at the college bookstore. So I was even more separate from the FHS scene that I'd ever been, which is why I think I have such different recollections of how things were there.
There are a lot of people I wonder about. And a few that I'd like to find. But I probably won't look, because I'm always figuring that someone will find me if they want to. Which they won't.
5 Comments:
1. Lesbian drinking fountain incident?
2. Where is Misha these days? I remember a discussion in the art room over who was more monotone.
3. I'm only guessing that it's Liz S. But it's a good guess. I ended up hanging out with her elder sister on New Year's a few years ago, and the only thing I could find out about her was that she was too busy practicing TM to come out to the bar that we were at, or something.
4. Who were the three pregnant girls? I don't remember any from our class. The year below us, I think, two.
5. Oh, Jason O. I always wondered what happened to him. I think he ended up in Ohio or something for school, and -- I might be making this up -- I think we exchanged a few emails sometime during college. After that, >poof<.
And, in place of commenting on them in my blog, Carly has been my cousin since birth! And Dave -- who had a big crush on you -- is now a married man. I went to his wedding this past summer, and I must say that his wife is lovely and hot. They reside in Buffalo. Paul Trippy was the bus driver, but he may have gone back to school.
I apologize for the nostalgia.
okay, it's good to know i'm not the only one who feels like a teenager again, in the bad way...and i'm sure only part of it deals with living with my parents again...my bigger problem is pitt nostalgia. i've been nothing but miserable since i left, making the unhappiness toward the end seem heavenly...and at this rate, the job hunting will be unsuccessful and the whole year-and-a-half-plus in rhode island will offically have been the biggest waste of time and money ever...
cheery as ever,
Tiff
I totally get Pittsburgh nostalgia, mostly for the cheap booze, cheap apartments, and 80s night. Plus, my life was just more fun, especially the last year - my friends weren't all science people, for one. Then I remember the lack of cabs, crappy bus service, incestuous scene, and that unfortunate internship in Western Psych.
Lesbian Drinking Fountain Incident is far better told than written, Misha is working for a paper in Elmira but was a messenger in Philly for awhile, and of course it is Liz S. THe three pregnant girls were Holly H., Beth H., and Fawn, and I only noticed and looking into it becuase they all had lockers by me. I thought Jason was coaching hockey with his dad in FL or something, but I really have no clue. People from my class should NOT be getting married, it really weirds me out. And Paul Trippy is a firefighter now, I think.
I can't think of any Holly H., other than the one that I thought transferred to Dunkirk back when we were in the fourth or fifth grade. And Beth H. eludes me, because I don't think it's the only Beth H. I remember from school.
Where's Liz S. nowadays?
my problem right now is that the things about pgh that sucked were still way better than anything i've had since...thought pat transit sucked? try ripta. incestous scene? at least you had a shot at meeting people...lack of cabs? how about $30 to go to the airport that is approximately 10 minutes away...god, i hate providence
tiff
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