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Saturday, January 15, 2005

Time is Short:

So I have to lead my first lab and recitation in a day and a half, and I haven't even done the reading for the lectures yet. Oops. I honestly have no idea how to prepare for this. Every time I try to get ready, my whole being just rebels. How is one supposed to make the Nernst equation interesting, anyway? Meanwhile, lab stuff is just not letting up so it isn't as if I have all this time to be prepping my lectures anyway. Especially since I have to directly supervise two goddamn undergrads this term, so I have no actual lab time all to myself. At least not during anything approximating normal business hours. A week into the term, and already I'm the worst TA ever in the history of the universe. And I don't even care that much.

I feel like I'm just getting the will to live sucked right out of me. Not only do I not want to be a scientist right now, I'm not sure I want to be involved in any part of my life. I'm bored with my relationship, I don't have any good friends, I'm sick of Philadelphia, and I can't even seem to get my crafting motivation up. It took me so long to get (remotely) mentally stable, I really don't want to drift back. But I don't have the time to go back into therapy with all these demands. I wonder if I calmly present to the graduate advisor and say, "TA-ing is making me lose my mind, here is a copy of my medical history if you don't believe what could happen" if they'd let me not do it? Probably not. Since when is soul-crushing depression an excuse?


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